My Deepest Fear and Deepest Desire

Rumba Dance Routine

Rumba Dance Routine with Arthur Murray Dance Studio

I feel anxious. I feel excited. I feel both emotions at the same time. I know this mixed emotional cocktail quite intimately now; it’s called performance anxiety.

I love dancing. I can’t imagine my life without dancing at all. It’s just a natural part of me. Dance brings me joy and excitement and a sense of deep connection with my self, harmonious waves of music and my dance partner. When I dance I feel one with the whole Universe and in the flow of life. When it comes to dance, I live the quote that I chose for my blog; I dance first and think later. So what’s the issue?

Today I had my last practice before our dance studio show case. It’s been my solo routine last rehearsal. And here I am, feeling the performance anxiety again. I rather don’t even think at all about the coming event. I am going to dance my solo there and it makes me feel frightened! As soon as my mind goes that way and starts to think about the coming event, a sense of panic flushes my body. Why is it? I so much want it and it frightens me at the same time!

There is no rational reason behind my panic; I know that. It’s just a minute and half of my life and I am going to do what I love the most; dance. I do it for fun, not to win a competition or satisfy the judges. So what is happening?

As far as I remember it’s been always the case for me. I’ve had this deep desire for performing since a little child. And it’s been always hidden, buried deeply in my soul and not shared with anyone. I have actually successfully hid it even to myself. Only since I started to dance couple of years ago, it all came to the surface to my full awareness. Yes, I accept it now, still fearfully, that my deepest desire is to perform on a stage.

So here I am, preparing myself for my dance performance and feeling this love-hate energy in my body. I thought it would get better over time with more practice and experience. No, it doesn’t. I feel the same level of anxiety as when I performed the first time.

I want to get into the core of it. What is actually causing me these irrational emotions? I know from my coaching practice that there must have been some incident in my past that locked this fear into my psyche. And that needs to be cleared. I have already found some early childhood memories when I felt humiliated, judged badly and ridiculed for my innocent attempts for artistic expression. I have cleared those, forgiven all who were involved and yet, there is still more. So what else is there?

This Saturday it is. It’s approaching fast. I want to have fun and enjoy my dance performance and I want it to be over.

Karolina Maya

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Imagine All the People Living for Today

Can you see it? The world is changing. Something is shifting. Regardless of your beliefs, spiritual consciousness or religion, I guess you have noticed it as well.

What I see is people moving back into their hearts. Living from a heart is becoming more and more natural and authentic. Thanks God! The times of living under full control of our minds is over.

Feeling is great. Emotions are not only accepted but also even welcome. Can you imagine that ten years ago? Imagine people openly sharing their feelings and emotions and embracing them fully, twenty or even ten years ago. It would have been considered as showing a weakness at those times. And that was not acceptable.

And hey, look at today. How moving and inspirational it is to be authentic, natural and present in emotions as they arise in our hearts. Such emotions have an amazing power. They communicate the truth; without words.

I have come across this video some years ago and again today. Emmanuel Kelly sings from his heart, shares his story by singing and touching everyone’s heart. He creates a moment of unity, connection and oneness. All hearts are connected as he sings.

John Lennon couldn’t have imagined a better ambassador of his message than Emmanuel. When he sings “Imagine all the people living for today” with his courageous angelic mum and brother supporting him full heartedly from behind the stage, I know he communicates his own message. And it touches me deeply.

Living in a present moment, living for today. I am still learning. Thanks Emmanuel for reminding me.

Karolina

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Dear Lover

Dear Lover

Dear Lover

Dear lover, you came into my life as a wild river. You broke through the closed doors of my heart into my life.

Your waters felt dangerous to me; I sensed my own deep-seated fears of you but I stepped in anyway. It felt so surprisingly tempting. Yes, I had to face my fears. So I stepped in. I stayed for a while, swimming along, open to all my long suppressed feelings; and then I left you. I had to.

You came as a river and went through my space unexpectedly. You run in and I let my body bathing in your waters. I enjoyed it first, it felt so fresh and nurturing and I liked feeling you holding my body. I enjoyed diving into the depth of you, curious, excited, full of joy. And yet, deep inside I knew it was dangerous for me. I knew I could get lost in your waters, changing myself into what you wanted to have from me. Yes, I knew I could get lost my own soul. That’s what I felt since the first time I saw you coming.

So soon your waters became murky. My soul got flooded with dirt and mud that I didn’t see first. I was trying to stay in the fresh clean stream of you but I couldn’t. There was more and more mud showing up right in my face. I couldn’t swim anymore; my body felt tired, I was screaming inside. There were many sharp stones in you that I couldn’t see. They were hurting me. They hit me so many times and you didn’t even notice. I was trying catching my breath and keeping my head up to see the end; to see the bank where I could get out; to rest and turn my face towards the sun again. Yes, this river was not for me.

Dear lover, I wanted to say good-bye and wish you well before I got out and left you. And you didn’t even notice.

Dear lover, thank you.

Karolina

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Words of Wisdom on Ageing and More from Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou with Oprah Winfrey on Super Soul Sunday

Maya Angelou with Oprah Winfrey on Super Soul Sunday

Ageing is inevitable; at least for now, in this world, at this level of our consciousness. That’s what we all have in common. Probably for women more than for men, ageing is a huge topic since the beginning of times.  Some women want to stop ageing or at least slow it down. Some fight against it, the others ignore that ageing is happening,  some accept ageing as a necessary evil.

I am looking up at women who embrace ageing with grace and elegance. I feel inspired by women, who take ageing as a chance to connect with deeper meaning of life, with the truth and with all the teaching life has to offer. I love to be inspired by these women’s wisdom and sometimes I wish I were like them.

One of the women I deeply admire for her elegance, grace and wisdom is Maya Angelou. I watched her interview with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday show the other day. Ageing was one of the topics. Here is what Maya said on ageing.

Oprah: “What can you say about ageing?”

Maya (85), laughing: “Do it if you can. If you have a choice, chose the 80’s. I mean it. If you are caring for yourself, you know, moderation in all things; and even moderation in moderation. Don’t get too much of moderation!” “

Isn’t it awesome? Moderation in everything but don’t get too much of moderation! I like this woman!

And then Maya continues and her words  have inspired and moved me.

Maya said: “I’m going to share this with you: I have become a better person and a happier person the day I stopped observing what other people have thought of me and I was just obsessed. I really wanted people to really like me. And I was so unhappy. I wish you get there because then you can fly!”

I wish one day I come to that stage; to that freedom from other people opinions and thoughts. That’s what I want and that’s what I am working on! That’s the way I want to care for myself. Being truly Self regardless of what other people think of me then allows me to use my wings and fly.

Yes, that’s what I want; to fly high, far; anywhere I want any time I want, using my wings freely. When I do that, ageing doesn’t matter because it doesn’t mean anything. When I fly, I  live in present moment fully at any time and every time.

Then I am be able to say with Maya Angelou: “Every age I have been grateful.”

With love, Karolina Maya

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One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and the Power of Free Spirit

I love watching movies. Movies, same as books have always meant a lot to me. I just need books and movies in my life as air and water. They help me to open into my imagination, into my deep inner feelings, dreams, secret wishes and much more. I dive into stories and let them touch my soul.

Last night I  I made myself a movie night and picked up  ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’, the movie by Milos Forman. It’s one of my favorite movies and the one of significant influence on my life. I saw it first time more than 30 years ago. Secretly; this movie had been forbidden to watch in my country at that time.

‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ movie based on Ken Kesey’s book, has a symbolic meaning and carries a life message for me. It’s a symbol of courage to be different and authentic and fight for the right to be that. It’s also a symbol of the birthright to live life in full expression of who you are. The message is how being self and authentic may inspire and empower the others in breaking through their limitations and get free. Yes, most of all, this movie represents fight for freedom to me.

And that’s why this movie is so powerful.  So much so that it had been banned by the dictators and was forbidden to watch in my home country. Of course a movie that celebrates freedom and rights to fight for it is dangerous for any totalitarians.  Movie that shows courage to stand up, break through limitations, rules and power of control is something that communists or any other dictators can’t leave without control. Because guess what! Free-spirited behavior is so contagious!

And so here I am. Living in freedom for more than 20 years now and feeling grateful for that every day. I feel grateful for having experienced both – dictatorship as well as democracy. I know the difference having experienced the contrast. I am reminding myself that freedom is a gift we have to embrace, celebrate and take care of. At the end it doesn’t come from the rulers of any country, it comes from peoples’ hearts. That’s why this and other movies and books reminding us of the power of individuals’ free minds and hearts are so important and powerful at any time.

“I have tried, haven’t I? At least I have tried!” says Jack Nicholson as free-spirited Randle McMurphy in my favorite scene. These words have been my life motto ever since I saw the movie first time.

I love watching movies and l love reading books. Do you?

Karolina Maya

What Doesn’t Mean to Happen Doesn’t Happen

The Happiness Project

The Happiness Project

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I decided to expand a circle of my quaintances and meet some new people with same interests as me. Living in a foreign country and working solo makes meeting new people really important to me.

II’ve selected some groups on Meetup website. It’s so easy. You just select your interests and start to get invitations to meetings. I like it as it feeds my natural curiosity as well.

One of the groups I responded to and became a member of was created around The Happiness Project. The topic triggered my interest and so I accepted an invitation the first meeting. I’ve seen photos of other people showing up on the website as they were accepting the invitation. I started to feel excited about the whole thing. There were about then other people I was about to meet, mostly women. My excitement started to build up.

The meeting was scheduled for Saturday afternoon and even though I had quite a lot of other things to do, I rearranged everything to get there on time and in relaxed state of mind. It was about The Happiness Project, right?

So I got into my car and left home early enough to get to the meeting in the city on time. But ever since I left my place I started to feel the energy outside. Something was not quite as normal. Everything felt so frantic and hectic. I had to pay much more attention on the road, as the traffic seemed to be just crazy. Drivers changing lines without any indication, cars stopping suddenly in a steady flow of traffic, people on their horn like there was the end of the world. What was going on?

I thought, hmm, interesting. Let’s just observe what is happening. I made a conscious decision not to become a part of this chaos. Just stay outside of it and see what is this all about.

I got to the town and I normally get a parking spot easy. This time it took me more than 40 minutes to even get through the streets. There were people everywhere. Yes, it was Chinese New Year and there is a large Asian community living in this town. But still, this was something different. There were only a few groups of traditionally dressed Chinese people dancing and celebrating. Other people seemed to just frantically running there and back, shopping.

The energy didn’t feel quite right for my Happiness Project meeting. I was already late and I really don’t like to be late. I took it as it was and stayed relaxed. I kept thinking that it will happen, as it needs to happen. There is nothing I can do about it. Let’s see.

I got to the shopping mall to find the meeting place, got to the map, found the way and…, nothing. Such a famous coffee shop brand and I can’t find it? Strange. I tried three times!! I walked the place three times in a circle looking carefully around to spot the name of the coffee shop. Nothing. Wow, this is really interesting. Nobody around seemed to know the shop. The whole place was just buzzing and the nervous energy was all around in the air.

Finally I got myself out of that place. I was actually happy to be out of there. That shopping mall with all the frantic and nervous energy of people running around was obviously not the place for me to meet with the Happiness Project group. No surprise; the name of the Mall is Chase!

I walked slowly back to my car. I felt absolutely in peace with what just happened. I sensed that it was actually exactly what meant to happen for whatever reason.

Well, time for a coffee before I go home. So I was sitting there, in a coffee shop, sipping my coffee, thinking about the whole situation, feeling relaxed and quite funny about the whole afternoon. I felt like I put my finger into wild water of an ocean and instead of being swallowed by stormy waves of it, the ocean gently returned me back to the beach. And it did make me feel happy.

And then I realized I was sitting in exactly the coffee shop I wasn’t able to find before. Same name; just another place. How bizarre! The Happiness Project at the end, just only mine!

Why am I writing this? Well, sometimes it’s good to just go with the flow even though it doesn’t take us where we wanted. There is a deeper knowing that it’s exactly what we are supposed to do. Why? Well, one day, the true reason reveals itself. And that day it was  my personal Happiness Project I was lead to work on.

Your, Karolina Maya

It’s a Valentine’s Day

It's a Valentine's Day

It’s a Valentine’s Day

What did I learn about Valentine’s Day?

Two years ago I was in a short and intense relationship. I met this guy before Christmas and by the end of February the romance was over. Yes, it was really short.

But I didn’t expect it to be short. It seemed to be very promising at the beginning. It looked like a deep serious relationship was to be developed. Well, it didn’t happen at the end and it’s all good.

Even though the relationship had been short I learned something about myself and about what I want. And I learned as well a lot about what I don’t want. The moment when I got the lesson of what I don’t’ want in my romantic relationship I walked away from this man. And I am grateful for that.

It’s a Valentine’s Day. It reminded me the same day two years ago when I was expecting to receive some kind of “I love you” message from that guy. I was thinking about it for the whole day. I remember the mixture of my feelings at that day. Excitement at the beginning, my expectation that after a long time without relationship this will be the first real Valentine day for me. I was awaiting expression of love or passion or at least some emotion towards me. Nothing. My expectation was replaced by disappointment and even anger. And by the end of the day when I already knew that nothing was going to happen I felt sad.

I called this guy the next day and asked him why he hasn’t done anything for the Valentine day. He said that I was the last person he would think to believe in Valentine! Gosh! It’s not about believing in Valentine or not, it’s about expressing love!

So here is my advice to all the guys out there. If you are in a relationship, doesn’t matter how long or short, deep or shallow, please, go out there and send your girl some flowers. Don’t guess or assume if she believes in Valentine’s Day or not. That’s not the point. And it’s not up to you to figure it out. Just get her flowers, chocolate, love note, whatever it is that you want to give her as an expression of your love.

Guess what? If she doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day and still receives your love message, the worst that can happen is that she will not appreciate it as you expected.  On the other hand if she does believe in Valentine’s Day and you don’t do anything; you have got it wrong. The message she will get is that you don’t care enough. Now, check with yourself what is the price for such risk.

Do you love her? Are you interested in her? Do you want to get closer to her? Send her your love message. It’s a Valentine’s Day.

Love to all of you,

Karolina Maya

 

Dolphins, My Dreams and My Soul

Dolphins & Time Travel

Dolphins & Time Travel

Woohoo! I am going to Hawaii to swim with dolphins and to learn their magic from them. “Dolphins and Time Travel”. I am so excited. My dream of dreams comes true.

Let me tell you about my dream. I know that a lot of people love dolphins and that swimming with them is a dream of many. Many people plan swimming with dolphins as their holiday’s entertainment. That is not my case.

When I very was little I used to have real night dreams where I was swimming with dolphins. I was part of their horde. I was swimming and playing with them. I still remember the feeling in my body when I remind myself of that dream. It feels like slow dancing under water. It was gracious, smooth, gentle, sensual and joyous.

I don’t remember who I was really. I don’t recall what my body was like. But I know that I was swimming there together with my dear dolphins as long as I wanted. How was I breathing? I have no clue. I felt safe. It was as night dream magic for me. I still have a sense of some deep wisdom and knowing that I had at that time and that I have forgotten.

Well, it was just a dream, you may say. Sure it was. But hey, I was a girl growing up in the heart of Europe! No ocean in my country, of course. I didn’t have any concept of an ocean for a long time. And did I know about animals called dolphins? At the time of these dreams, not. I saw my first dolphin in the Flipper movie when I was already a schoolgirl.  And by that time I didn’t remember my dreams anymore. As I was growing up this dream with dolphins stopped showing up and I forgot.

But I never stopped loving dolphins. I always felt an amazing connection with them.  I was already 30 when I saw real alive dolphins when I went with my boys to Croatia.  One day we went on a boat trip to an island. And there they were. Dolphins came to play with the waves and excitement and joy filled hearts of everyone on the boat. My heart was jumping from love and joy.

Then I moved to Australia. Only here I started to open to my spiritual part and listen to my soul. The power and spirit of the ocean returned my old memories and childhood dreams to me. My dolphins came back to me and started to call me. I knew I have to join them in their space. But how?  The commercial ‘swimming with dolphins’ entertainment is not for me; I know that.

And then I found it. Following clues I found a beautiful mermaid like woman Joan Ocean and I knew I was home. I found what I needed. I found a woman who lives with dolphins. She loves them, communicates with them, she learns from them. And I want to learn what dolphins have to teach me as well. I am following their calling and my dream. I am going to Hawaii to finally swim with my beloved dolphins as in my childhood dreams. I feel that it’s my soul calling me there to finally connect with who I really am. Maybe a mermaid? Will see.

With love,

Karolina Maya

Visit my website  to find out more about me and my coaching work. Download your free book “The Alchemist Way” and start living your life purpose fully.

Reflection on 2012 Key Astrological Highlights

Reflection on astrological highlights of 2012

Reflection on astrological highlights of 2012

It’s January 2013. Another year has passed. Just this time it happened much quicker than any other year before. At least for me. I feel like time is running faster and faster! I tried to slow it down by slowing myself and reflect on the year that just passed.

Last year this time I was listening to the key astrology messages for 2012 and thought about their meaning and how they will influence me.  So as a part of my reflection of last year I wanted to have a look at them again and see how accurate the predictions were and what impact they had on me and my life.

I found the reflection really interesting. I felt as the prediction was made just for me! So without going into any details, I just want to say – spot on!  I was so impressed and amazed that I just have to share the information with you so that you can do your own inventory.

Here you are:

Last year there were some unique and very powerful events occurring. According to Elizabeth Jones, the Astrologer, there were 3 key astrological highlights for 2012 with a great impact on events during the year.

 Uranus Square Pluto

The essence of this influence was breakdown, collapses, transformation of old structures and forms into new once that were more in synch with current energies

 Grand Trine in Earth Signs

brought grounding and practical influence that helped to navigate the influence of the craziness of the other events, was helpful for manifesting and creating what you want.

 Neptune entering Pisces

This event represents significant shift and spiritual connection. It was an extremely spiritual placement.

Elizabeth has suggested 3 keys to attune to the frequencies of 2012 for people who are on their way to raise their consciousness and grow spiritually.

As you are most likely one of them, you may have asked two main questions. The practical one may have been: “How am I going to survive and thrive in the turbulent times that we live?” From a more spiritual way you may have asked: “Why am I here now, what is my part to play here, how am I going to be of service? “

 The key #1

was to find out how do these two dynamics intersect in your life and where do they merge. The key is to better understand the relationship between your spiritual path and your life path at this time. The merging of these two is where the alchemy will occur now.

 The key #2

was to know that the opportunity will be given to you to see where your own fears or inflexibility is holding you back.

 The key #3

was to know that the events will occur in waves and will continue for a few years. Each time when this happens more and more people will realize that something big is happening and will awaken to this reality. You personally will most likely experience changes in your own awareness. You will be given new directions in waves.

You must raise your own vibration, step up and own your own significance. You may become a vehicle for a higher purpose.  It doesn’t need to be grandiose; it just needs to be authentically yours.

According to Elizabeth Jones the year 2012 was supposed to be a year when many experienced the shifting from seeking to manifesting their light and actualize their soul task. It was for me. Was it for you? Have you started to manifest your life purpose and actualize your soul task? The time has come!

What exciting time we live! You are welcome to share your 2012 reflections here. I will appreciate your comments and thoughts.

And so my wishes into 2013 to all you beautiful ladies is: Let your light shine!

Karolina Maya

 

How I Learned to Dream Again

Daydreaming

Daydreaming

I believe in dreams. I believe in their power. They are an inspiration; they serve me as a source of energy when I feel down. They show me a direction when I feel lost. They make me connect with the future, past and present at once. I believe in dreams as they are born from our heart.

Some years ago I did attend a workshop, facilitated by Matt Omo, It  was designed to help us  find our inner artist. It was a time in my life when I felt stuck. I felt a bit trapped in the way I was living my life and I knew I wanted a change. I just didn’t know what that change should look like. I didn’t know what I was searching for but I believed that by finding my inner artist and by tapping into my creativity I find my real self and a higher meaning of life.

One day Matt asked us to go back into our early childhood and remind self of what we wanted to be as children. What were our childhood ‘When I grow up I want to be …’ dreams? I listened to all the other people in the class coming with their amazingly beautiful dreams of being a rock star, ballerina, writer, doctor, singer, mermaid, pilot, … , the list went on and on. I felt the energy in the room while people were shouting their childhood dreams one over the other.

I had nothing. No childhood dream at all. My mind was blank. I was not able to recall anything at all! And it made me feel sad. How comes that I didn’t have any dream as a child?  I was trying hard to remind myself, but… nothing.

‘You were avoiding disappointment.’ – my subconscious mind spoke to me.  ‘What?’ ‘Well, why would you have a dream if you knew it couldn’t come true?’ ‘Don’t you remember that time? Don’t you remember that personal wish, aspirations, plans and  dreams of any sort, didn’t matter?’

I got it.  I have somehow, not knowingly, on a subconscious level, accepted a self defence strategy. Based on the commonly shared experience of the whole generation of my parents I have accepted a belief that made a strangely logic sense. Having dreams means being disappointed and hurt and therefore it’s better not to have any.

Yes, I was growing up in a country where people at the time of my parents didn’t have any choice of what they were going to be or where they were going to live. The whole generation of my parents was often told by the rulers of the country what their lives were going to be. No choices, no dreams. The planned socialistic economy needed them. They served as servants to the state with very limited personal choice.

Suddenly I saw myself growing up within that concept. Now I understand why I never knew what I wanted to be. No dreams, no expectations, no disappointment, no hurt.

I lived in a planned economy; planned society with no personal plans at all. What a mechanical life I lived! I lived from day to day, year by year as everybody else for many years.

And then, 20 years later I was sitting at the workshop trying to remember what I wanted to be as a child. I felt as if I got stolen the birthright to dream! I shared my realization with the class, crying.  I came to the class to connect with my childhood dreams just to find out that I was robbed!

“Who said that you couldn’t start dreaming now? Start to dream now!” I heard Matt, saying. “Just listen to your heart, what it wants now.”

Yes, it’s that simple!

Even though we were quite often hurt as children, not being understood for our dreams: even though that we were even not allowed to dream, we can still live our dreams now! Some of us didn’t have any dreams, some of us were stopped, were not trusted, not supported, not understood, judged, ridiculed, you name it! Whatever the circumstance was, the time for living our dreams is now!

I believe in dreams. I am grateful for this realization, I am grateful for the experience. I now know the value of my dreams. And I learned to dream again.

What was your childhood dream, do you remember? Do you live your dream life now?

Leave your comment to share your dream experience.

Karolina Maya