My Deepest Fear and Deepest Desire

Rumba Dance Routine

Rumba Dance Routine with Arthur Murray Dance Studio

I feel anxious. I feel excited. I feel both emotions at the same time. I know this mixed emotional cocktail quite intimately now; it’s called performance anxiety.

I love dancing. I can’t imagine my life without dancing at all. It’s just a natural part of me. Dance brings me joy and excitement and a sense of deep connection with my self, harmonious waves of music and my dance partner. When I dance I feel one with the whole Universe and in the flow of life. When it comes to dance, I live the quote that I chose for my blog; I dance first and think later. So what’s the issue?

Today I had my last practice before our dance studio show case. It’s been my solo routine last rehearsal. And here I am, feeling the performance anxiety again. I rather don’t even think at all about the coming event. I am going to dance my solo there and it makes me feel frightened! As soon as my mind goes that way and starts to think about the coming event, a sense of panic flushes my body. Why is it? I so much want it and it frightens me at the same time!

There is no rational reason behind my panic; I know that. It’s just a minute and half of my life and I am going to do what I love the most; dance. I do it for fun, not to win a competition or satisfy the judges. So what is happening?

As far as I remember it’s been always the case for me. I’ve had this deep desire for performing since a little child. And it’s been always hidden, buried deeply in my soul and not shared with anyone. I have actually successfully hid it even to myself. Only since I started to dance couple of years ago, it all came to the surface to my full awareness. Yes, I accept it now, still fearfully, that my deepest desire is to perform on a stage.

So here I am, preparing myself for my dance performance and feeling this love-hate energy in my body. I thought it would get better over time with more practice and experience. No, it doesn’t. I feel the same level of anxiety as when I performed the first time.

I want to get into the core of it. What is actually causing me these irrational emotions? I know from my coaching practice that there must have been some incident in my past that locked this fear into my psyche. And that needs to be cleared. I have already found some early childhood memories when I felt humiliated, judged badly and ridiculed for my innocent attempts for artistic expression. I have cleared those, forgiven all who were involved and yet, there is still more. So what else is there?

This Saturday it is. It’s approaching fast. I want to have fun and enjoy my dance performance and I want it to be over.

Karolina Maya

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Women’s Health, Passionate Life and Body Balance

On the Top of Huayna Picchu

I have always been a healthy woman. I don’t get sick, I don’t catch flu, I don’t go to doctors. I keep myself active and happy. I enjoy the luxury of regular massages and meditation. And yet, I had to learn my lesson how to listen to my body more and nurture it better. I am a woman over 40.

There were couple of times in my life when my body said: “Enough, I take a break” and I had to literally stop and give my body what it needed. It was always due to enormous amount of stress caused by demanding corporate role or painful relationship break up. When that happened, I knew I had to nurture my body and get in peace with my mind.

Well, and always when I got back to normal, I took my health as for granted again. Till last September.

The last “Stop Time” came out of nowhere. I was feeling happy and simply great! I was dancing a lot, I found new love, felt excited by upcoming trip to Peru and I worked with amazing clients. So I didn’t see or feel any health issue coming.

I started to feel really exhausted. When I realized that even music didn’t turn me on and that I had troubles to make it through my dance lesson, I got it. I was not well! I got to the doctors to find out that I was suffering with severe anemia.  When the doctor said that she has never seen anyone with such low levels of iron and that she was surprised I was actually functioning, I was hit by a wave of panic.  “What am I going to do if I don’t function, how am I going to survive?” Yes, I must admit, I felt fear. And as you can imagine, that didn’t make it better.

My energy levels dropped down to zero, I could hardly walk, my head was spinning constantly. And I wanted to dance at the Australian Dance-O-Rama competition in only three weeks! I had my two dance solos ready to perform! And I wanted to go to Peru in five weeks and to climb Huayna Picchu!

So I decided to take my health into my hands more actively. I went to a friend of mine who is a naturopath and Journey Practitioner. I just wanted to get back to normal, dance, travel and live my life fully again! And I wanted it quickly.

And that’s how I discovered Body Balance for myself.  My sessions showed that my body just wasn’t absorbing nutrients, vitamins and minerals from my food as it should be. I needed some nurturing on a cellular level. I needed to increase my energy. And that’s what Body Balance is giving me.

I learned my lesson. I have to listen to my body, I have to understand what it needs and give to her.

We all have only one body for living our life here on Earth.  Give your body what it needs. Everything is energy. Where is no energy, there is no life. Keep your energy high, keep it flow, use it for anything you are passionate about and enjoy your life.

Check the Body Balance information and see how it can assist you to maintain your health. Let me know if you have any questions and comments. I am happy I have found Body Balance for myself and I am happy that by sharing my experience I can help other women, especially women over 40 to maintain their heath and live happy active lives.

And yes, I competed at the Dance-O-Rama, I danced my solos, I climbed Huayna Picchu and I am back living my life fully. I am a healthy woman again.

I wish you lot of energy for everything you enjoy and love doing!

With love,

Karolina Maya

My Moments of Bliss

Kissed by a seal

I had my regular dance lesson yesterday. I always enjoy my dance lessons but yesterday, something special happened. I felt a moment of pure bliss.

We were practicing samba. There was nobody else on the floor, just me and my teacher. One of the normal lessons and yet, there was a moment when everything came together in amazing profound feeling of bliss. I felt so connected with my own heart through the movement and music that I felt pure love and joy and bliss. It burst into my heart as an injection of ecstatic and yet peaceful energy and warmth. And it felt awesome!

This is it. These are the moments of the truth. These are the moments I feel connected with who I really am. This is why I dance!

I felt very grateful for the moment so I went back in my mind and asked myself:

When did I feel like that before? And I made my list of bliss.

When I watched sleeping angelic faces of my baby boys – and there was pure love

When I saw Maurice Bejart ballet dancing Maurice Ravel’s Bolero – and there was a sense of inner flow with the music and movement

When I first felt a  sense of liberation and freedom during the Velvet Revolution – and there was a faith in free future

When I watched Humpback whales jumping and playing in the ocean – and there was pure joy

When a seal looked into my eyes while swimming together in the pool – and there was a deep connection

When the view of Machu Picchu opened in front of me for the first time and my heart burst into tears – and there was awakening

When I let my body floating in Amazon River with pink dolphins around – and there was stillness and peace

When I listen to Dvorak’s Largo from From the New World symphony – and there is grace

and much more…

When do You feel bliss and are you aware of it? You are welcome to share. I will love to hear from you.

With love

Karolina Maya