My Deepest Fear and Deepest Desire

Rumba Dance Routine

Rumba Dance Routine with Arthur Murray Dance Studio

I feel anxious. I feel excited. I feel both emotions at the same time. I know this mixed emotional cocktail quite intimately now; it’s called performance anxiety.

I love dancing. I can’t imagine my life without dancing at all. It’s just a natural part of me. Dance brings me joy and excitement and a sense of deep connection with my self, harmonious waves of music and my dance partner. When I dance I feel one with the whole Universe and in the flow of life. When it comes to dance, I live the quote that I chose for my blog; I dance first and think later. So what’s the issue?

Today I had my last practice before our dance studio show case. It’s been my solo routine last rehearsal. And here I am, feeling the performance anxiety again. I rather don’t even think at all about the coming event. I am going to dance my solo there and it makes me feel frightened! As soon as my mind goes that way and starts to think about the coming event, a sense of panic flushes my body. Why is it? I so much want it and it frightens me at the same time!

There is no rational reason behind my panic; I know that. It’s just a minute and half of my life and I am going to do what I love the most; dance. I do it for fun, not to win a competition or satisfy the judges. So what is happening?

As far as I remember it’s been always the case for me. I’ve had this deep desire for performing since a little child. And it’s been always hidden, buried deeply in my soul and not shared with anyone. I have actually successfully hid it even to myself. Only since I started to dance couple of years ago, it all came to the surface to my full awareness. Yes, I accept it now, still fearfully, that my deepest desire is to perform on a stage.

So here I am, preparing myself for my dance performance and feeling this love-hate energy in my body. I thought it would get better over time with more practice and experience. No, it doesn’t. I feel the same level of anxiety as when I performed the first time.

I want to get into the core of it. What is actually causing me these irrational emotions? I know from my coaching practice that there must have been some incident in my past that locked this fear into my psyche. And that needs to be cleared. I have already found some early childhood memories when I felt humiliated, judged badly and ridiculed for my innocent attempts for artistic expression. I have cleared those, forgiven all who were involved and yet, there is still more. So what else is there?

This Saturday it is. It’s approaching fast. I want to have fun and enjoy my dance performance and I want it to be over.

Karolina Maya

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